Friday, November 28, 2014

28 Days of Christmas: Save Ferris - "Christmas Wrapping" + Black (Metal) Friday

Is it sacrilege that I prefer Save Ferris's reworking of "Christmas Wrapping" than the Waitresses' original? Is that someone anyone would ever consider sacrilege? Either way, this one always made a showing on my yearly Punk Rawk Xmas mixes I made when I was a teenager. Honestly, this whole project of posting a Christmas song every day until Christmas is just a way for me to relive the moment where realized that just because you're a punk rock kid you don't have to hate Christmas.

However, working in retail will crush anybody's Christmas. You can feel it being collectively crushed when Paul McCartney & Wings' "Wonderful Christmastime" plays on the store radio for the fifth time that day and you can hear a coworker all the way at the back of the store moaning, "NOT AGAIN!" Thanksgiving was yesterday and what was I thankful for? My beautiful family, of course! But coming in a close second was NOT HAVING TO WORK RETAIL DURING THE HOLIDAYS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SIX YEARS! As a shift leader in my last two years at Half Price Books, a big part of my responsibilities was trying to keep everyone sane during December. A lot of it was me trying to talk people off the ledge when "I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas" played for the third time that day (HPB Radio had like 40 Christmas songs that played not on an endless loop, which would have been so much better, but seemingly at random) and I would just say, "There there, it will all be over soon. The universe will end someday, too, as will this godforsaken music. You'll get through this, just think of oblivion." I know that sounds like I'm kidding, but I swear to God I said something like that last year. Though I was able to turn the Christmas music to white noise after about a week, I was not immune to "Wonderful Christmastime." Just yesterday it came on the radio during dinner and I froze up as my body relived those dark days. That exceedingly dumb song soundtracking the chaos of everyone and their mom being so totally helpless and so totally impatient that I felt I might explode in a ball of Christmas rage... I digress.

For the workers of Black Friday, I have curated a song for you. A song that channels your inner Krampus and appeases him so he does not spread his dark wrath across the realm. I'm not even kidding when I say that this song was playing on an infinite loop in my head last holiday season and, after a particularly rough day of dealing with inept Christmas shoppers, I would go out to my car and put this on full blast. For the time being I have escaped that eternal circle of wrath, but there are many still trapped in its icy talons, and for those people I say take a deep breath, try not to strangle the woman who wants the discount but doesn't have the coupon, and play Burzum in your head.

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