Thursday, July 23, 2015

Top 10 Most Baseball-ass Baseball Player Names

Some people are born to lead. Some people are born to sing and dance. Some people are born to be doctors and lawyers and librarians. Some people, though, well, some people are born to be baseball players. And some parents have the foresight to identify this trait at birth and give their son a baseball-ass baseball player name (yeah I know I know some of these are nicknames but PLAY ALONG OK?). You know what I’m talking about. Zip Zabel, Orval Overall, Boots Poffenberger, Grover Lowdermilk, Trick McSorley, Catfish Hunter, Harmon Killebrew. These are baseball-ass baseball names. And here are some of the best baseball-ass baseball names we have in today’s game:

10. Dansby Swanson
The Diamondbacks first round draft pick hasn’t made it to the Bigs yet, but goddamn that’s a helluva name. Perhaps Swanson will start his career in rookie ball for the D-backs affiliate the Downton Abbey Valets.

9. Donnie Veal
Or as I know him, Donnie “Try The” Veal. There’s nothing particularly baseball-ass about Mr. Veal’s name on the surface, but there is a slow-burn of excellence to it that I noticed every time I saw his name pop up on Rotoworld (even if the left-handed pitcher’s relative un-excellence led to his recent release from the Braves).

8. Maxwell Muncy
Good alliteration is an element of many great baseball-ass baseball names, as is being fun to say. As is looking like “Maxwell Munchy” which makes me hungry. The As infielder

7. Al Alburquerque
As a Royals fan, I get to see the Tigers a lot, and though I love watching all-time great Miguel Cabrera slug (even against my beloved ‘yals!), I love seeing Alburquerque’s name arcing around the back of his jersey. His name is so long is practically extends to the belt line! But in addition to what is effectively a cosmetic effect, A. Alburquerque’s name has excellent alliteration and seems fake, like any good baseball-ass baseball name should. (Note: I am also compiling a baseball-ass baseball player names - Latin American edition because that’s a whole different animal with equally delightful monikers, and though Alburquerque hails from the Dominican Republic, Alburquerque is an American city and thus I have made an executive decision to include him here).

6. Darwin Barney
So many of these guys have been recently designated for assignment or demoted to Triple A ball, I’m starting to wonder if having a baseball-ass baseball name isn’t a good thing. Barney’s name makes me think of both Charles Darwin and Barney the Purple Dinosaur, which is, as Rex Hudler would say, a beautiful thing.

5. Tuffy Gosewisch
I would love to see the Diamondbacks draft board. I’d love to be in the room with the scouts as they order prospects based on how goddamn ridiculous their names are. Because this is obviously a thing. (See Also: Archie Bradley, Socrates Brito, Stryker Trahan, Touki Toussaint, and (yeah I know he was traded over from the Marlins but) Jared Saltalamacchiaccalmatalamacchiccalia. Shit, I should have just done a Baseball-Ass Baseball Names - Diamondbacks Edition since their farm system is a treasure trove of the weirdest goddamn names I’ve ever seen).

4. Buster Posey
Giants catcher Buster Posey’s name sound like that of a precocious 12 year old boy detective. Maybe then it’s no coincidence that Buster Posey looks like he’s about 12 years old. All I can think about is Buster Bunny, and wouldn't you know it, there is a resemblance. Seriously though, I hope the Giants choke. I hate them forever. I hope they lose 100 games for the rest of history. Signed, Still Sore Royals Fan.

3. Mookie Betts
Every time (read: it happened once) I see a highlight of Mets outfielder Mookie Betts (I feel like there is one a week, he’s really good), I text my brother (who owns Betts on his fantasy team, which is basically as good as owning him in real life) “ALL BETTS ARE OFF!” It just ain’t baseball if there isn’t a guy named Mookie out there. Just a classic, baseball-ass baseball name.

2. Scooter Gennett
Never mind that the Brewers infielder’s name makes me think of a labrador scooting it’s butt across a newly carpeted living room floor (maybe because this is something I live with on a regular basis), but damnit if that isn’t an amazing baseball-ass baseball name. Fun to say too! I’d love to see him steal a base and Bob Uecker go, “Look at him scoot down that line like a dog scooting its rear end across the Reds infielders!”

1. Lonnie Chisenhall
The Indians third baseman (when he isn’t residing in the minors for being not-great) has a name that demands to be orated by an old-timey baseball announcer. Every time I see it, I feel like it’s 1935. It just SOUNDS good, you know? Especially in an old-timey baseball voice. I think he owes it to the world to grow a twirly handlebar mustache.

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